Headlines - Sunday

From Perrspectives: The 2009 Nobel prizes for Conservatives

 

In much the same way that the sun sets in the west, each fall brings the predictable spectacle of apoplectic conservatives foaming at the mouth over the Nobel prizes. Following the awards to Al Gore and Paul Krugman over the past two years, the surprising announcement that President Obama captured the Nobel Peace Prize unsurprisingly produced popping veins and burst blood vessels across right-wingistan.

Sadly for Republicans and their amen corner, the Nobels are humanitarian awards which generally recognize contributions to, well, humanity. Given that almost insurmountable barrier for right-wing aspirants, a little affirmative action is in order.

Here, then, are the 2009 Nobel Prizes for Conservatives:

Literature: Sarah Palin. The former Alaska Governor is the first two-time winner in the history of the Righties literature prize. The Committee honored Palin for the lyrical imagery of her poignant farewell speech, which described "Denali, the great one, soaring under the midnight sun" and the "ice fogged frigid beauty" which splits "the Cheechakos from the Sourdoughs." With her book Going Rogue due out next month, Palin is an early favorite for an unprecedented three-peat.

Medicine: Mitch McConnell, George Bush, Tom Delay and Paul Broun. This quartet of Republican leaders past and present garnered the Nobel for medicine for their discovery of the solution to the crisis of the American health system: the emergency room. It was President Bush who first stumbled upon the answer with his July 2007 eureka moment, "I mean, people have access to health care in America. After all, you just go to an emergency room." His findings were confirmed that November by the disgraced former House Majority Leader Tom Delay, who announced, "There are 47 million people who don't have health insurance, but no American is denied health care in America." In July 2009, Kentucky Senator and Minority Leader Mitch McConnell followed suit, "Well, they don't go without health care." Rep. Broun (R-GA) was a last minute addition to the honor roll with his statement last week that "people who have depression, who have chronic diseases in this country...can always get care in this country by going to the emergency room."

Physics: Michael Steele and Sarah Palin. Steele and Palin were recognized separately for their applications of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle in which a phenomenon being observed changes by the act of observation. The Nobel committee cited Steele for his work on Medicare, the insurance program for 46 million Americans which the RNC chairman said his party would - and would not - cut. Palin also won the award for similarly displaying two positions at once. Staying in office, she said announcing her resignation as Governor, was "a quitter's way out." And prior to her pay day in Hong Kong and news of her upcoming multimillion dollar memoir, Palin said, "It's all for Alaska."

Chemistry: Glenn Beck. The Fox News host earned Nobel honors for his groundbreaking work in chemistry. Beck discovered that mixing tea bags with hallucinogens not only produces delusions, but a powerful national political movement. Despite being demonstrably wrong about everything from taxes and Medicare to death panels and birth certificates and so much more, Beck's rag tag army of Birthers, Birchers, Deathers and Tea Baggers is nonetheless taken seriously.

Peace: Mark Sanford. In the closest vote of the 2009 Nobel season, the South Carolina governor edged Senator John McCain. While the committee praised McCain's past call to "bomb bomb Iran" and his 2008 proclamation that "we are all Georgians" despite Tbilisi's role in fomenting conflict with Russia, Sanford ultimately won the award for improving relations with South America.

Economics: George W. Bush. The 43rd president garnered accolades for his work in econometrics. His Absolute Value Theory of the Economy argued that without all the minus signs, the staggering declines during his tenure in employment, GDP, the stock market, health insurance coverage and so much more - the worse of any president since Herbert Hoover - constituted an impressive performance that will be lauded by future historians.

(Here are the award winners for 2007 and 2008.)

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Bill has another new rule and it's a good one. Pretty simple, too...you ready? Here it is...Everyone deserves equal rights. That's why they are called "equal" and "rights" - told ya it was pretty simple. So simple, in fact, it's rather a shame someone had to actually take the time to articulate it, don't you think?

 

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How about using the money to build schools instead?

 

Obama to pay off insurgents? UK Times: WH mulling plan to pay fighters to lay down their arms.

 

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Well, the least that one could say about President Obama's award is this: it's better to have Nobel Prizes thrown at you rather than shoes.

 

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The unearthly beauty of Antelope Canyon.

 

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Yes, Virginia, terrorism is very, very real and there are people out there who do indeed want to kill you to make a political point. And they aren't all dark skinned foreigners. Sometimes they are the white family who always brings the German Potato Salad to the block party every year. Sometimes it turns out that the lady who runs the daycare out of her home has quite a stash of neo-Nazi paraphernalia and a sophisticated marijuana grow-room. Oh - and the son assembling TATP explosives in the garage, just feet from the children entrusted to Mom's care.

 

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What he said

Armed Services Committee Chairman Ike Skelton, D-Mo., had just finished addressing his Republican colleague Todd Akin Thursday.

Skelton then turned to the side and muttered "stick it up your ass."

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"Mickey, I can understand your disappointment that President Obama didn't follow your advice to decline the Nobel Peace Prize. On the other hand, you should try to understand his disappointment that you turned out to be such a two-fisted drinker and sweaty goatfucker."

 

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Repugs still hate justice. "Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C., is trying to prevent the Obama administration from holding criminal trials in civilian courts for the alleged Sept. 11 plotters instead of bringing them before military commissions.v Graham, who helped craft the 2006 law that established the military commissions, said Friday that he'd attached an amendment to an appropriations bill that would prohibit the Obama administration from spending money on the prosecution and trial of the accused terrorists before U.S. civilian federal judges."

 

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Anyone who has to qualify a statement or an action with "I'm not a racist..." is a racist.

 

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Where's the GOP outrage 

 

over the mistreatment of soldiers and the bilking of the federal coffers? (crickets...)

 

At the treatment plant, as soldiers expressed concerns about sodium dichromate, the military brass remained taciturn and downplayed the danger posed by the chemical. Once the toxic conditions at Qarmat Ali were revealed, the army relied on a questionable and surreptitiously administered medical test to fend off claims of a hazard, and used the results to deny health care for exposed veterans.

...the military's tolerance of KBR misconduct was aptly illustrated in May, when a congressional investigation found that the army paid the contractor $80 million in bonuses for the very work that had killed soldiers like the green beret. The pentagon also eventually gave bonuses to KBR for its work at Qarmat Ali—even though the facility was not fully restored until 2006, three years past the army's original deadline.

 

...but it took twice as long—six years—for the army to alert the national guardsmen from Indiana, West Virginia and Oregon that they were possibly exposed to sodium dichromate. - D.C. Bureau 

 

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Banks in a mad rush to screw credit card customers before the rules change and consumer protection laws kick in in February.  Stories of customers having their minimum monthly payment tripled have prompted some Democratic lawmakers to urge banks to voluntarily freeze increases now and move the date the law becomes effective up to December.

 

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No end to the lethal conseqences of mining. "Residents of the mine-waste polluted town of Treece have about 60 percent more lead in their bloodstream than the average Kansan, according to the results of medical tests performed last month."

 

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Recently, there has been a "business backlash" against the U.S. Chamber of Commerce for its extreme global-warming denier views. Businesses, fed up with the Chamber's resistance to taking any sort of action to curb carbon emissions, have been leaving the business federation one after another. In the past month alone, Pacific Gas & Energy, Exelon, Public Service Company of New Mexico, and Apple have left the U.S. Chamber of Commerce over its extreme views on climate change.

Yesterday, during a solar energy event at the National Mall, Energy Secretary Steven Chu was asked by a Reuters reporter what he thought about the exodus of businesses from the Chamber. He replied by telling the reporter that he thinks it's "wonderful" that companies are leaving. Listen here.

The Chamber has responded to the business exodus with scorn. After the flight of the most recent company, Apple, U.S. Chamber of Commerce President Tom Donohue bitterly responded, "It is unfortunate that your company didn't take the time to understand the Chamber's position on climate and forfeited the opportunity to advance a 21st century approach to climate change."

Update Yesterday, in a speech on financial reform, President Obama criticized the Chamber for running misleading ads:

And yet, predictably, a lot of the banks and big financial firms don't like the idea of a consumer agency very much. In fact, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce is spending millions on an ad campaign to kill it. You might have seen some of these ads -- the ones that claim that local butchers and other small businesses somehow will be harmed by this agency. This is, of course, completely false -- and we've made clear that only businesses that offer financial services would be affected by this agency. I don't know how many of your butchers are offering financial services.

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Obama, Congress prepare to thwart ACLU suit over abuse photos: http://rawstory.com/2009/10/obama-congress-prepare-to-thwart-aclu-suit-over-abuse-photos/

 

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Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize for his "extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples" and his "emphasis on the role that the United Nations and other international institutions can play." In crushing Iran like a bug, for example. And for his "outreach" to the Muslim world. For example, he has ordered bombing in at least four Muslim countries. Really, what's the maximum number of countries in which you can kill people and still win this prize?

CONTEST: What should Obama do with the 10 million kronor prize money?

(Update: Fafblog: "In other news, the Nobel Prize for Literature was awarded to a man who set fire to a library and then promised to write a book about it.")

(Updatier: Evidently Obama plans to give it to charity. Actually, I had assumed ethics rules prohibited him accepting a large cash prize related to his official work. Certainly they should do so.)