Headlines - Thursday July 14

New Law, 'No Politician Left Behind,' Would Pay Congressmen Based on Performance
Controversial Law Draws Howls of Protest from Lawmakers
 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – A government think-tank today proposed a controversial new law, "No Politician Left Behind," which would pay congressmen solely on the basis of performance.

The law, which was proposed by the University of Minnesota's Institute of Government, "would make a serious dent in the Federal deficit because few if any congressmen would ever have to be paid," said the Institute's director, Davis Logsdon.

"Right now, congressmen get paid even when they storm out of budget negotiations in a hissy fit," Mr. Logsdon said.  "Under this new law, the rule would be, no budget, no paycheck."

The idea of being paid per accomplishment drew howls of protest from lawmakers, many claiming that if the law were enacted it would result in their financial ruin.

"If passed, this law would be tantamount to the establishment of 'Work Panels,' which would determine whether individual congressmen are accomplishing anything," said Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA).  "I, for one, would be in deep, deep trouble."

"I'm fairly sure that this law is unconstitutional," said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY). "Now, I have never actually read the Constitution, but if this law were passed I would probably be forced to read it or live in a cardboard box."

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) said that creating performance standards for lawmakers was "an insult to the institution of Congress."

"We have spent millions of dollars, some of it out of our own pockets, to get to Washington," he said.  "We did not come here to be treated like teachers."

 

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The GOP turns its back on Reagan

In their hysterical debt ceiling posturing, Republicans ignore a warning from their patron saint

 

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Benen and Krugman show why we have a job problem in this country, not a deficit problem. All this talk of a debt crisis is nonsense.

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All hail the Flying Spaghetti Monster!

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Fucking looney Michelle Bachmann in 2004: Pass a 'sexual dysfunction' marriage amendment

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A Seattle man on trial for the 2009 rape and fatal stabbing of a lesbian couple told the court that God had instructed him to commit the crime.

"I was there and I was told by my God, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to attack my enemies, and I did so," Isaiah Kalebu said under questioning by one of his lawyers. The trial started three weeks ago, but the testimony was the first time jurors had seen Kalebu, who was previously so disruptive in court that the judge barred him from attending. He watched the trial via closed circuit television from another courtroom before indicating he wanted to exercise his constitutional right to testify in his own defense [snip] Kalebu is accused of slipping in an open window of the couple's home in Seattle's South Park neighborhood and repeatedly raping and stabbing them during a two-hour attack. One woman, Teresa Butz, died naked and blood-soaked in the street in front of her home as neighbors tried to help. Her partner survived and told the jury that Kalebu was the man who did it.

Kalebu was convicted of all charges (including first degree murder) and was sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole.

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Mario: Mitch McConnell Asks That the Constitution Be Amended To Reflect Conservative Madness

 

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Sam Stein has a report on the White House meeting. Sounds like Obama has had enough of Eric Cantor.

 

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Shocker: New reports finds Vatican abetted cover-up of child rape scandal in Ireland

 

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Stay classy, Big Coal: This is some real awesomesauce.

 

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A couple more freedom bombs should do the trick. 

 

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9/11 hero George W. Bush shilling autographed 9/11 cards

 

 

What is the number one top most important thing to remember about how alcoholic clown prince George W. Bush acted in the wake of the 9/11 terrorist attacks? Was it the EIGHT THOUSAND NINE HUNDRED THIRTY-FOUR TRILLION DOLLAR WAR that he started for fun and oil and murder? No, because who remembers those things. That crazy elephantine orgy of torture and child execution is gone from the radar these days. So here you are, a signed "baseball card" of Hero George Dubya throwing a pitch at Yankee Stadium during Game 3 of the World Series, right after 9/11, to make us feel better. It is good to see that in these hard economic times, it is still possible to make a "9/11 memories" buck. READ MORE »

 

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The financial crisis and recession of 2007 has all but eliminated the black middle class in America.

 

Liberals promote economic equality because we all do better when we all do better.

 

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It doesn't matter if you believe in global warming. Global warming believes in you.

 

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Minnesota's Booze Supply Latest Horrifying Casualty of Shutdown

 

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Jesus also hates nature

Florida Tea Party Adopts Grievance Against Endangered Manatees

Along with the Fed, health care reform, taxes, the TSA, Mexicans and secular governance, everyone can now add  "harmless, adorable manatees" to the list of things Tea Party Patriots would like to kill. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service proposed new rules to restrict motorized boating in a popular Florida wildlife refuge, because the boats are a threat to the endangered species. County officials have legitimate concerns that some of the regulations may harm business by dampening tourism to the refuge, but the Florida Tea Party, however, is officially upset because "God put humans before nature," and "this is a United Nations plot." READ MORE »

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Embattled News Corp Chairman Rupert Murdoch rejected a summons to appear before the British Parliament to answer questions about his company's hacking scandal. Murdoch and his son, who serves as COO of News Corp, cannot be forced to testify as they are American citizens, but Rebekah Brooks, the executive and former editor at the center of the scandal, will appear.

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Demand an investigation into News Corp. Sign our petition here.

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74 Percent Of Republicans Think Deficit Reduction Should Include Tax Increases And Spending Cuts | According to a new Gallup poll, only one in five Americans agree with Congressional Republicans that deficit reduction should be based on spending cuts alone. That includes 74 percent of Republicans who agree that a responsible deficit reduction plan should include both tax increases and spending cuts. The new data flies in the face of claims by GOP leaders that Americans adamantly oppose tax increases to reduce the country's deficit.

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Guttmacher Institute: "In the first six months of 2011, states enacted 162 new provisions related to reproductive health and rights. Fully 49% of these new laws seek to restrict access to abortion services, a sharp increase from 2010, when 26% of new laws restricted abortion. The 80 abortion restrictions enacted this year are more than double the previous record of 34 abortion restrictions enacted in 2005—and more than triple the 23 enacted in 2010. All of these new provisions were enacted in just 19 states."