Sunday, December 2, 2012

December 2

God is sad that you're not drilling for oil, America.
Drilling for Jesus

Today in Have a Seat news, Jesus enthusiast and wingnut extraordinaire Bryan Fischer thinks that damn dirty hippy liberal ingrates are hurting God's feelings.


Because God put oil and fossil fuels on this earth for us to exploit, dagnabbit, and if we don't stop focusing on all this "energy independent" and "green energy" malarkey, we're basically unwrapping a special present from God, and staring disdainfully at its contents before we summarily throw that gift right back in God's stupid face.

And that's just rude, man:

The Cornwall Alliance's Calvin Beisner, who has previously said that believing in climate change "is an insult to God," explained on Thursday that the Bible said it was also very rude to not use oil, coal and natural gas.


Fischer likened the situation to a birthday present he was given at the age of six.

"I opened up a birthday present that I didn't like, and I said it right out, 'Oh, I don't like those,'" the radio host recalled. "And it just crushed — and the person that gave me gift was there. You know, I just kind of blurted it out, 'I don't like those.' And it just crushed that person. It was enormously insensitive of me to do that."

"And you think, that's kind of how we're treating God when he's given us these gifts of abundant and inexpensive and effective fuel sources," Fischer added. "And we don't thank him for it and we don't use it."

"You know, God has buried those treasures there because he loves to see us find them."

Listen up, America—when God created the earth, took a rib from Adam, slathered some barbecue sauce on it, and fed it to the dinosaur that Eve was riding when Adam and Eve first hooked up and decided to go apple-picking, God also dumped a bunch of fossil fuels, oil, and other shit all over the earth so that God-lovers could find it and use it. ALL OF IT. God set up an Eternal Easter Egg Hunt just for you, you ungrateful jerks, and all this "oh noes! climate change!" nonsense is fucking up God's program. He likes it when we find the treasures he has hidden for us, and there's still some resources we haven't drained yet! So what are you doing sitting around contemplating buying a fucking Prius?!

Stop being an asshole and trying to "save the planet." Put down your goat milk latte, unplug your stupid electric car, and go off-roading in your Hummer to search for new wildlife reserves to drill.

It's what Jesus would have done.
My friend Pete tells people like this, "God put fossil fuels deep within the earth to prevent us from causing mischief with them. He gave us abundant sunshine and wind to meet our energy needs because He wanted us to look towards the Heavens for our energy needs rather than to the Underground."
Don't worry, the defense contractors who make drones will cover up enough of these reports to make their widespread civilian use seem like a fine idea!

The Lethal Presidency: Obama's Age of Enlightenment

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