LOS ANGELES (The Borowitz Report) – Amid rumors that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff ten years ago, former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger made an emotional confession at a hastily called press conference today.
"I am the Sperminator," Mr. Schwarzenegger told the room of stunned reporters.
The former governor and film star said that he knew the child in question was his "after no one could understand a damn thing it was saying."
He said that when he first learned he had fathered the child, he considered a variety of options to remedy the situation, including traveling back in time ten years and using a condom.
According to Mr. Schwarzenegger, today's shocking revelation could end his political career, but he added, "On the plus side, I am now qualified to run the IMF."
###
What if the Speaker of the House gave a speech that was just all wrong? And what if the Speaker gave that speech to a bunch of people who knew it was all wrong? Throwing out crazy statement after crazy statement, to the bewilderment of his audience, lecturing those who make their living, in part, by knowing better? Would that be a scandal?Apparently not. John Boehner did just that, giving a speech filled with economic mumbo-jumbo to a group of Wall Street executives. Relying on GOP talking points, Boehner spoke to Economic Club of New York Monday, and received "a cool reception," according to The Hill.
What is it about republicans that makes them so mathematically challenged that they tout a bill that increases spending by three billion dollars as cutting spending? "Republicans stormed Capitol Hill in January vowing to slash discretionary spending by $100 billion right off the bat. In their pledge to America, they promised that, "[w]ith common-sense exceptions for seniors, veterans, and our troops, we will roll back government spending to pre-stimulus, pre-bailout levels, saving us at least $100 billion in the first year alone." ... As time went on, it became clear that they wouldn't get the whole loaf, and the key question became: How many billions of dollars in spending would Democrats agree to cut, without risking massive Republican defections, and, perhaps, a protracted government shutdown? ... A few weeks after they cut the deal, we have an answer. It turns out the six-month spending bill Congress passed in March increased discretionary outlays through the remainder of the fiscal year by a bit over $3 billion."
"Is God trying to get our attention? The worst tornado outbreak in American history has left hundreds dead. Mississippi flooding has not been this bad in 80 years. Wildfires have swept through millions of acres in Texas and Oklahoma.There are a number of things that could give God reason to at least partially lift His protective Hand from America, including the millions of abortions done here each year, the flaunting of sexual sin, and our recent treatment of Israel." - Whackadoodle televangelist Janet Porter.[Eva] Joly, who is now a leader of the French Green Party expected to run in next year's presidential election, added that the American justice system "doesn't distinguish between the director of the I.M.F. and any other suspect."
Of course, in reality, it does. Strauss-Kahn is not being represented by a kid from Legal Aid or a private defense lawyer on the public defender's list who just met his client thirty seconds before the arraignment hearing. On the other hand, your run-of-the-mill rapist would have had bail set (whether or not he could make bail is another story) and would not have been remanded as a flight risk.
France is different, which is why they have a self-confessed pedophile, Frédéric Mitterrand, serving as their Minister of Culture.
Which is pretty funny considering that Bernie Kerik is currently serving time in a Federal prison in Cumberland, MD after pleading guilty to making false statements and tax fraud.
"The Bush people have been let off. The telecom companies got immunity. The only people Obama has prosecuted are the whistle-blowers."
Wiretap all Americans? You get a pass.
Falsify the need to go to war and get over 4,000 Americans killed? You get patted on the head.
Tell the truth about what is going on? You go to jail.
I'd have expected no less of Dick Cheney. Barack Obama seems to be as much about covering up government fuckery as Cheney ever was.
I have no doubt whatsoever that the NSA is continuing to collect every e-mail sent, for as Hayden made pretty clear, the NSA doesn't give a damn about the law. They're probably collecting recordings of every telephone conversations and no doubt that they are hard at work developing computer tools to make them all searchable. The only way to have a private conversation with anyone may be to have it out in the desert, far beyond the range of microphones.
###
Says Scissorhead Mike Flugennock of his latest political cartoon:
Y'know, I really am jealous of the Greeks – not because of the shape their economy's in, nor because of the corruption of their government and its servility to capital, nor because of the state-imposed "austerity" programs they struggle against. I'm jealous of the Greeks and other Europeans because they haven't forgotten how to fight in the streets – unlike US activists, for whom "direct action" these days means standing around, waving signs or holding candles in front of the White House in the dark.
In Greece right now, unionists, students and anarchists are taking on the police, kicking ass and taking names in the streets. They aren't taking "austerity" lying down. They've made the country virtually ungovernable.
Meanwhile, in the bad old USA, "progressives" are "fighting" the imminent loss of hard-won social safety nets by waving signs, having vegan potluck dinners and teach-ins, and voting Democratic – in spite of the mountain of evidence that the Democratic Party doesn't give a rat's ass about them today (as if they ever did)…
C'mon, Americans – off your asses and into the streets. It's time to get your Greek on!
Well said, and as always, well drawn, sir.
###
Worldwide war without end: A little noticed provision in the House Armed Services Committee's National Defense Authorization Act would authorize the United States to use military force anywhere there are terrorism suspects, including within the U.S. itself, according to the ACLU.
###
Pakistan PM snubs U.S. by declaring China 'best friend' Pakistan's prime minister declared China his country's best friend in an apparent dig at Washington as he was to begin a visit to China on Tuesday.
Let's give them more money so they can hide even more people like bin Laden.
###
John Amato: Villager Truthers
No comments:
Post a Comment