Headlines - Tuesday November 8

 

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This sounds so much better when explained with an Irish accent!

 

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Andy Borowitz: BREAKING: Berlusconi Steps Down; Will Run National Restaurant Association

 

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Herman Cain's sexual harassment scandal has, in the words of ThinkProgress' Ian Millhiser, been "upgraded to criminal sexual abuse." Of course, that's assuming the obviously Occupy-Wall-Street-supporting hippie commie America-hater is telling the truth.

 

And that accuser is Sharon Bialek, a registered Republican and tea party supporter. So there's that. No word on whether she wants to bring down the neo-feudal corporatist structure, but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess no.

According to Bialek, she met Cain to discuss finding a job in 1997. "At that time, I had on a black pleated skirt, suit jacket and a blouse," she said. "Instead of going into the offices, he suddenly reached over and he put his hand on my leg, under my skirt and reached for my genitals. He also grabbed my head and brought it towards his crotch." I guess Herman was confused about what sort of "job" she was looking for.

"I said, 'What are you doing? You know I have a boyfriend. This isn't what I came here for,'" she recalled. "Mr. Cain said, 'You want a job, right?'"

"She reached out to Mr. Cain for help in finding another job," Bialek's attorney Gloria Allred explained. "Mr. Cain, instead, decided to provide her with his idea of a stimulus package."

Oh for chrissake, Gloria. Don't. Just don't. (Raw Story, with video)

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Like sands through the hour glass, these are the Cains of our lives.

The slow drip of allegations continues, folks. It's turning into a soap opera.

A fifth woman, former USAID worker Donna Donella, has come forward and claimed that after Herman Cain gave a speech in Egypt in 2002, Cain asked her to ask some other woman (an audience member) to have dinner with him. (Presumably, he did not ask Donella to pass a note to the audience member, asking "Do you like me? Check the box—'yes' or 'no.' No 'maybe so'!")

When Donella declined to play matchmaker, Cain asked Donella out to dinner. (If at first you don't succeed, try again, eh Hermy?) When Donella declined, two other women jumped in and defused the situation by suggesting they all have dinner with Cain… together. In response, Cain probably flashed his creepy grin, thrilled that he was going to tap all those asses at once. Sadly for Cain, no asses were tapped that night (that we know of).

 

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Jesus' General: GOP State Senators Only Hope Against Divorce 

Christians for a Moral America believe that it'll take more than the reinstitution of Esteban Crowe love segregation laws to save marriage. We'll need to end divorce too. And to do that, we'll need to elect more Republicans to state legislatures:

Here's how they explain it:

Step two would be a gradual incline to outlawing divorce altogether. Public approval should not be needed to pass these measures by a vote if we, the constituents can lobby to GOP controlled senate's who mostly already believe in the sanctity of Marriage and get them to pass such bills on a state level. Ultimately though, we'd need a federal constitutional ban on divorce to ultimately ensure the sanctity of Marriage for generations to come. Banning divorce would essentially kill two birds with one stone. On one hand we'd be able to stop Marriage from descending into the cesspool and on the other hand we'd be able to fix families and help more children grow up in two parent families with both the love of a mom and a dad.

CFMA goes on to explain that we should join these good Christian Republican legislators and become crusaders, warriors for God:

Let's stop appeasing the demands of deviants and start standing up for OUR rights and OUR God. We need Christian soldiers to rise up and fight for the institution of Marriage. There will be NO victory should we allow ourselves to be intimidated by the enemy. If there has ever been a time when we needed our faith to bring us together and fight for God's laws of the land, it is now. Onward Christian soldier and fight for victory! Our future generations are depending on us.

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Unaware of the live mics in the room at last week's G20 summit, French President Nicolas Sarkozy told President Obama that he "cannot bear" Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu because "he's a liar." Obama responded, "You're fed up with him, but I have to deal with him even more often than you." Netanyahu's office declined immediate comment.

 

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Financial Industry Collects The Most Government Tax Subsidies

 

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Many more tea party memes here.

 

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"We all need to consider that in God's timing that he may have allowed us, as members of Congress, to be in the position that we're in just for this specific issue right now. Everything that all of us have worked together and labored for over the years, all of it could be undermined with this one bill. President Obama realizes that. The radicals that are on the pro-abortion left, they realize that. They could win it all. And the unborn, and the vulnerable, the disabled and those at the end of life could lose it it all. That's really where this battle will be won — on our knees in prayer and fasting. Remember: faith without works is dead. So we're asking you to do all of it: pray, fast, believe, trust the Lord, but also act." - Rep. Michele Bachmann, asking followers to pray that the president's evil demand for death panels is never realized.

 

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Michele Bachmann sums it up precisely:

"Self reliance means, if anyone will not work, neither should he eat."

The Republicans assume that millions of Americans have simply decided to be lazy and collect unemployment. Then they suggest, Hey! Go get a job, you lazy bastards you! And if you can't do it, then eff you. You're on your own.

What they don't say is that there are 11 million more workers seeking employment than there are available jobs. So it's not as easy as walking out the door with a briefcase and skipping into Globocorp — or even Walmart — where there are jobs waiting that pay enough to finance a mortgage and a family. The jobs aren't there.

Why? Three reasons. Corporations aren't spending money on jobs and, in fact, are sitting on $2 trillion in cash. Corporations have figured out ways to make workers do more for less pay, thus boosting profits. And the Republicans are sabotaging the president's ability to help create jobs by filibustering stimulus spending and the American Jobs Act.

Yet the Republicans are suggesting it's about lazy people.

It's a trap.

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Jocks for Jesus

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Speaking at a Tea Party convention in Florida this weekend, GOP Senate candidate Craig Miller said Occupy Wall Street protesters should "get off your ass and go get a job." Miller is the former CEO of Ruth's Chris steakhouse and was the president of the National Restaurant Association a few years after GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain left the organization. Last month, Adam Hasner, who is also running for the Republican Senate nomination from Florida, called Occupy Wall Street supporters "anarchists," "extremists," and "thugs." As the Florida Independent points out, just 12 percent of protesters are unemployed, according to Fast Company.

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Trick questions: Herman Cain Not Entirely Sure What This Medicare Thing Is