CONCORD, NH (The Borowitz Report) – Herman Cain withdrew from the Republican presidential race today, a move that resulted in millions of pro-adultery voters shifting their support to former House Speaker Newt Gingrich.
The shift in support is significant because pro-adultery voters represent the single largest voting bloc in the Republican Party, experts say.
Tracy Klugian, a prominent adulterer from Concord, New Hampshire, said he was sorry to see Mr. Cain leave the race "because he was very committed to the one issue I care about: namely, adultery."
But he added that he had been in touch with many other adulterers in the state and that they were all switching to Mr. Gingrich.
"Even when we were supporting Cain, a lot of us were supporting Gingrich behind his back," the adulterer said. "I guess that's how we do.
Borowitz: BREAKING: Gingrich says he will leave Afghanistan "only if it has cancer."
They've got plans for us - 4 scary stories:
So, the bastards who stole all those trillions get government protection,
and the whistle-blower is having evidence withheld from his legal team?
Have you ever embedded a music video that's posted on YouTube on your blog? Have you ever excerpted an article? For that matter, have you ever VISITED YouTube?
Your blog, this blog, even right-wing blogs, plus YouTube, and many other sites could be shut down under the sledgehammer that Congress is wielding as part of the Intellectual Property Protection Act, which is being voted on this week.
I'm disgusted to say that among the sponsors of this bill are the following Democratic Senators, ALL of whom should be receiving e-mails from everyone enlightening them as to the implications of what they are about to pass:
Charles Schumer (NY)
Dianne Feinstein (CA)
Sheldon Whitehouse (RI)
Chris Coons (DE)
Richard Blumenthal (CT)
The full name of this travesty is "Preventing Real Online Threats to Economic Creativity and Theft of Intellectual Property Act of 2011." It sounds fine on the surface, right? The creative endeavors of others SHOULD be protected. Hell, I get plenty pissed off when I see my blog posts reposted in full on other blogs without attribution or permission. But this is a case of wielding a sledgehammer where a scalpel is required, and is reminiscent of those days when Dick Armey would talk about kids being able to hack into Pentagon computers with the V-Chip, or Ted Stevens explaining the internet as "a series of tubes" (and yes, THIS is still the best YouTube video ever made).
The bill appears on its surface to address foreign servers from delivering copyright-infringing content, but the implications that appear to have not even been considered by the bill's authors (or worse, perhaps they have been, have been identified by the Center for Democracy and Technology (see report PDF), and include:
- creating a notice-and-cutoff system that allows private parties
to trget a website's financial resources
- altering DNS results in a way which, if done as required under the bill, can compromise cybersecurity
- force ISPs to patrol ALL user traffic
- tag many if not all social media sites as infringement facilitators
- any claim of infringement, by any individual, could cause a site to be taken down. Imagine Catholic League head Bill Donohue's lawyers having a field day with this.
The IP protection has NOTHING in it about fair use. Under this bill, everything from counterfeit medications to one-minute clips from last Sunday's Family Guy to snippets of articles from newspapers would be fair game. I recognize that there is a consumer protection aspect to this as well as protecting the interests of Big Entertainment. But there are ways to protect legitimate interests without running roughshod over kids sharing the latest Rihanna video on Facebook and on blogs whose function is to entertain, inform, and comment. And shame on any Democrat (and yes, I'm also talking to YOU, Mr. Franken) who is too lazy or cowardly or craven to understand the difference.
Your feel-good story of the day -- viva the 99%! "Yesterday, a Deutsche Bank branch in Atlanta had requested the eviction of Vita Lee, a 103-year-old Atlanta woman, and her 83-year-old daughter. Both were terrified of being removed from their home of 53 years and had no idea where they'd go next. ... But when the movers hired by the bank and police were dispatched to evict the two women, they had a change of heart. In a huge victory for the 99 Percent, the movers "took one look at" Lee and decided not to go through with it."
Christ chased the money-changers from the temple, so there is biblical precedent for this action. "Even though their profits are rising, Wall Street banks have begun getting bad news from the 99 Percent Movement. More than 40,000 people moved their money from banks to credit unions on Bank Transfer Day earlier this month, bringing total new credit union enrollment up to more than 650,000 since the beginning of October. For the 10 largest banks, that could mean about $185 billion in lost deposits next year alone. ... Now, a new coalition of groups is planning to move even more money off of Wall Street. Angered by predatory and often discriminatory mortgage lending practices that continue to come to light, an inter-faith coalition of churches and religious organizations is pledging to move as much as $1 billion away from the nation's biggest banks. ... The Move Our Money campaign is the latest sign of religious organizations joining in the 99 Percent Movement's struggle. As of Monday, churches had already moved more than $55 million from Wall Street banks, and about 100 leaders from Christian, Jewish, and Muslim groups have pledged to move more than $100 million more in the coming days."
They must be so glad that we invaded, killed all their parents and destroyed their economy. "One Afghan child in 10 will die before their fifth birthday, while maternal mortality rates have declined, Afghanistan's ministry of public health. The Afghanistan Mortality Survey found the highest childhood mortality rates occurred in children born into poorer families in rural areas, the ministry announced in a presentation on Wednesday. Around half of deaths of under-fives were caused by respiratory infections or infectious and parasitic diseases. These diseases are most commonly transmitted through contaminated drinking water. Nearly a quarter of Afghanistan's city dwellers and half of its rural population do not have access to clean water. Recent data from UNICEF showed Afghanistan had the second highest mortality rate for under-fives in the world."
The Federal Election Commission today will consider freshman Sen. Mike Lee's (R-UT) proposal to add a super PAC component to his leadership PAC. The move would mark another step toward unraveling campaign-finance restrictions that require outside groups to act independently of candidates.
"Should we be angry? No. But we should understand that it is the truth that sets people free and those in the homosexual community that are looking for fulfillment, that are looking for the approval that they are trying to get by forcing society to embrace homosexuality, they will never get it that way. They'll only get it when they come to grips with the truth, that they are created in the image of God and God has a plan for their lives, and it's not the destructive path that they're on." - Hate group leader and KKK affiliate Tony Perkins, speaking on his radio show.
NOTE: Despite Perkins' notorious past and present affiliations, he continues to be the go-to "social issues conservative" for television news. In the past month he has appeared on virtually every network.
Nothing says family values like that, aye?